I am informed a Caesarean Birth is the best option ~ (josies Birth)

It is the day after my due date, I sense a felling of unease as I worry my baby will never start its heroic journey to meet me.  I have convinced myself that I will be one of the statistics of women who have their baby before their due date. I tell myself that it will be an easy and uncomplicated birth.  I have spent many hours researching, attended birthing classes and listening to birthing stories.  My optimism is disappearing and I’m coming to realise that perhaps my imagination has carried me far away from reality when it comes to my journey through childbirth.  

One comes, five minutes passes and the next arrives.  Thirty minutes passes and the next arrives, two minutes passes and the next arrives.  I record with excitement; I feel like this might be the start of labour.  The sensations come hard, strong, and fast.  Inconsistent in their intervals.  I come to realise 40 minutes has passed and I am having three of these sensations in ten minutes consistently.  I ask my husband to telephone the birthing suite.  The birthing suite recommend we come in.  My husband packs the car, I am filled with hope for the arrival of our child.  I make my way up the elevator, down the long passageway to the birthing suite.

  I am feeling nerves flood my body and I pause. I know I need to press the buzzer to be let in, but I can’t seem to propel my body forward.  I breathe deeply and remind myself that I can do this. I press the buzzer with confidence and announce my name.  I enter the birthing suite and the Midwife checks to see my dilation.  She informs me that I am not two centimetres dilated, it would be best to go home and rest.  I return home deflated; the contraction sensations are painful and have been for quite some time.  They keep coming, they are strong, sharp, and inconsistent.  They begin to get further apart.  I look to my husband for support, he dims the lights, puts on calming music and I drift.

  I am woken with sharp, painful pains.  It hurts, it rips, it pulls.  They keep coming and I keep recording.  The length and time between contractions continues to show no pattern.  I cannot handle the pain anymore.  We return to the hospital.  The Midwife checks my dilation.  They inform me I am 2 centimetres.  I feel all air escape my body. I am devastated.  So much time has passed, I am experiencing so much pain and I am informed that I am potentially not very far into my labour.  I walk around, movement feels right.  I pace the room.  More contractions appear and I ask for gas.  I breathe deeply and feel instant relief.  I take another breath and ponder why didn’t I take this pain relief option sooner.  The contractions continue and the gas seems to no longer to be working as a pain relief.  I feel panic set in. 

I remember breathing techniques and try to remind my body I am safe.  The pain feels as if it perhaps begins in my hips and propels through my spine before blasting through the top of my skull.  I ask for morphine.  I feel relief as the needle bites my skin.  I feel an overwhelming sensation of being tired.  My eyes close and I force them open with determination.  I move quickly to the bed in fear I will fall and hurt the baby.  I begin to regret the pain relief option I asked for, perhaps morphine was not the right answer at this time.  I can still feel all the pain, it has not gone away and now I am struggling to stay awake.  I fall asleep.

I wake up to sharp overwhelming contractions. The doctor attends and checks my dilation.  I am five cm; it is suggested that we need to hurry up the process. Syntocinon goes into my veins and my baby’s heart rate drops.  They stop and try again.  The same thing happens.  I am informed a Caesarean Birth is the best option.  I have been in labour for over 30 hours.  I am disconnected from my body.  I want the baby to be safe, I want to feel safe.  I agree to the caesarean, and I am relieved to enter theatre.  I am scared.  My whole body shakes uncontrollably. I fear the surgery will not happen if I cannot hold my body still. 

The surgery happens and I am not present anymore. My mind and body are exhausted. Our beautiful daughter enters the world.  She cries, she is healthy, and she is here.  Every cell in my body is overcome with emotion.  I am so grateful to all the staff at the hospital for assisting my beautiful daughter to enter the world through caesarean section.  I am informed she was unable to descend due to incorrect posterior positioning which amounted in pressure being placed on half of my cervix resulting in poor dilation and inconstant contractions. 

I laugh as I consider my imaginings of how I thought my birth would go. I acknowledge how wrong I was to assume I would have an uncomplicated birth and how grateful I am to live with modern medicine and a health system that allowed myself and my baby to stay alive.  While holding these feelings I also sense a feeling of failure as a woman, as I was unable to have a vaginal birth.  This thought slides deep and low into my subconscious mind.

EDIT to add.  These are comments, and reflections by Debra:

Every Woman, Every Birth, no matter how their baby comes into the world is a “success”, not a failure. I would hope no woman feels like a “failure” through birthing her baby.  We know that life doesn’t always go “to plan”. Birth is part of life. Birth doesn’t always go to plan. Throughout this life changing experience, we don’t have control, but we do have choice. We can use that choice, and choose to be proud of ourselves.

 If anyone wants to talk to me, Debra, about how her birth unfolded, or choices, decisions, options for future births. PLEASE be in touch with Debra on 0428 560 658.